Too Wordy for Me

I love words. 

 I said this before in the other three posts of idioms and sayings.  I found a list on the internet and they are called idioms. Most of them I would call sayings. Sayings that make our language more colorful and more confusing to someone learning it. I love the twists and turns that words can make. I added to that list of things that I know and use.

Add insult to injury

All the tea/rice in China

At the eleventh hour

Avoid like the plague

Back to the drawing board

The ball is in your court

Barking up the wrong tree

Beat around the bush

Bell the cat

The best thing since sliced bread

Beside yourself with joy

Best of both worlds

Black sheep of the family

A blessing in disguise

Blow hot and cold

Between an rock and a hard place

Bite the bullet

Blind as a bat

Blow off steam

Your back against the wall

All in the same boat

The ball is in your court

Bit off more than you can chew

Bob's your uncle*

A bolt from the blue 

Born with a silver spoon in your mouth

Break a leg

Break new ground*

Brought everything but the kitchen sink

Burn your bridges/boats

By the skin of your teeth

Call a spade a spade

Call it a day

A cold day in July*

Come rain or shine

Couch potato*

Cross that bridge when you come to it

Cost a bomb*

Cry for the moon*

Crying wolf

Cut corners

Cut to the chase

Cut some slack

Don't cry over spilled milk

Don't give up your day job

Don't judge a book by it's cover

Don't run before you can walk

Down for the count

Draw first blood*

Eat like a horse

Egg on your face

The elephant in the room

Face the music

Fair and square

Not the only fish in the sea

For land's sake

For goodness sake

In full swing

Full as a tick

Full of beans

Get out of my hair

Get your act together

Get your wires crossed

Give it a whirl

Go cold turkey

Go down in flames

Wild goose chase

Green thumb

Your guess is as good as mine

Hold a grudge

Have a beef about

Have bigger fish to fry

Heard it on the grapevine

My heart is in my mouth

Hit the books

Hit the nail on the head

Hit the road

Hit the sack

Hold your horses

Ignorance is bliss

The last straw

Johnny on the spot

Jump on the bandwagon

Jump ship

Keep an ear to the ground

Leave no stone unturned

Left in the dark

Like a fish out of water

Looking to your laurels*

Look before you leap

Lose your marbles

Make a hash of

Miss the boat

My old stomping grounds

Not my cup of tea

Once in a blue moon

On cloud nine

A one trick pony

Over my dead body

A penny for your thoughts

Play devil's advocate

Play it by ear

Play your cards right

Pot calls the kettle black

Pull someone's leg

Raining cats and dogs

Rain on my parade

Right as rain

 That rings a bell

Run around in circles

A sandwich short of a picnic

Sat on the fence

Scrape the bottom of the barrel 

See eye to eye

Sell like hotcakes

Shed light on

Shoot from the hip

Sit tight

Sleep on it

Something the cat drug in

A stone's throw away

Smell a rat

Snowball effect

Snug as a bug in a rug

So far, so good

Spanner in the works (UK)*

Spill the beans

Speak of the devil

Steal someone's thunder

Step up your game

Straight from the horses mouth

Swan song

Taste of your own medicine

Like two peas in a pod

Take a back seat

Take it with a pinch of salt

Tickled pink

Third times a charm

Throw caution to the winds

It takes two to tango

Through thick and thin

Two shakes of a dead lambs tail (or maybe a live one)

Under the weather

Up in arms

When pigs fly

The whole nine yards

The whole shebang

Wouldn't be caught dead

You can say that again

*these are not part of me

If there are double between my posts...too bad.

Too Many Words

 There are sayings that I use that I don't know what category to put them in.

All is fair in love and war.

Better late than never

Better safe than sorry

Be there with bells on

Blown out of the water

Can't get a word in edgewise

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades

Crazy as a loon

Fish or cut bait

 Getting up with the chickens

Greatest thing since sliced bread

He has a mind like a steel trap 

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. 

In like Flynn

In one ear and out the other

It's been a coon's age

It's nothing to sneeze at

It's water under the bridge

Living from hand to mouth

Missing the boat

Once in a blue moon

Passing the buck

Piece of cake

Sticks out like a sore thumb

There's a bee in your bonnet

Too many cooks spoil the broth

Tougher than whang leather

What goes around comes around

This doesn't quite fit in with what I was collecting, but it's a good saying:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

Plus I'm getting tired of collecting.  It has been rather amusing to see what other people have found. 

Close but no cigar

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth 

Go big or go home

Healthy as a horse

I feel like death warmed over

Lollygagging (wasting time)

Not all it's cracked up to be

Over egg the pudding

Strike while the iron is hot

Thick as thieves

Jim's dad's favorites

It can rain pretty easy once it gets started

All signs fail in a drought

More Words

 Last weekend we paid a visit to my folks.  They had a load of sand delivered to fill an old cistern pit and the delivery was so over what was needed, that Jim took the tractor to clean up the sand and pack the pit. While we were there, we added to the already formidable list of idioms, proverbs and sayings. 

Mom, who grew up hearing this and taught them to me, was making a list, and we thought of and spoke more of them during the visit.  It's a way of speaking for us.  It's normal. 

I'm making a new list, since the other one is so long.

Sayings

Adding insult to injury

All bets are off

Better fish to fry

Beyond the pale

Bit off more than I can chew

I have a bone to pick with you

Brought to a head

Burning the midnight oil

Cash on the barrel head

Cat got your tongue?

Clear as a bell

Cool as a cucumber 

Don't burn your bridges

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth

Don't rock the boat

Down to brass tacks

Dry as a bone

Give up the ghost

Get off on the right foot

Get our of my hair

Get under your skin

Get your foot in the door

Give them the boot

Got the short end of the stick

Finger on the pulse

Fly by the seat of your pants

A fly in the ointment

I have a bone to pick with you

In the loop

In the nick of time

Jump out of your skin

Let sleeping dogs lie

Like a fish out of water

Living hand to mouth

Look at what the cat dragged in

Lose your shirt

Low man on the totem pole

Money burning a hole in your pocket

Need like a hole in my head

No skin off my teeth

Not my  cup of tea

Not my strong suit

On its last legs

Out of the loop

A pig in a poke

Poor as a church mouse

Preaching to the choir

Put a damper on

Put your best foot forward

Right of the bat

Right on the money

Running around like a chicken with its head cut off

Same song, second verse

See the handwriting on the wall

Sharp as a tack

Slick as a whistle

Spill the beans

Start on a shoe string

Sticks to your ribs

Strike while the iron is hot

Sweep under the rug

Take the bull by the horns

Testing the waters

The early bird gets the worm

The tide has turned

Too big for your britches

Tricks of the trade

Until the cows come home

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

A watched pot never boils

Water under the bridge

We're all in the same boat

What goes around comes around

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

You make a better door than window

Other Words

A pretty kettle of fish

All buttoned up

As the crow flies

Bandied about (told around)

Bone of contention

A bum steer

Cobble together

Crack of dawn

 A Doubting Thomas

On edge

Feel like death warmed over

Feel like I've been run over by a truck

For crying out loud

Hand over fist

I declare

In a pickle

In nothing flat

In one ear and out the other

Jam-packed

Looked High and Low

Nip and Tuck

No time like the present

Pain in the neck

Pennies on the dollar

Shot down

Slim to none

Splitting hairs

I'm ready to be done with this project, but it has been lots of fun.

We use a lot more than we thought we did.  Most of these, one time or another, we have used.

Our language is the more colorful in their use.  

First list

Mere Words

I have always been fascinated with words.  My current words that I like to use just because I like to are exacerbate, recalcitrant, obstreperous, and tenacious. 

I grew up with a colorful language of "sayings" or idioms as they are called when you want to look them up, and I've always wanted to write them down, so I've been collecting, I had no idea I knew so many.  A few of these I use all the time, the majority I don't.  I've failed in passing them down.  

UPDATE! I have been collecting these right along, and I'm surprised at how many I use over the course of a few months. I've decided not to sort them all by anyway except alphabetically.  Some are idioms some are just funny ways of saying things.

According to Hoyle 

All in the same boat

All the bells and whistles

And there you are

Another day another dollar

Baptized by fire

Barking up the wrong tree

Batten down the hatches

Bats in your belfry

No use beating a dead horse

Beat around the bush

Beat the tar out of

Better late than never

Between a rock and a hard place

Black as pitch

Were here born in a barn?

Born with a silver spoon in your mouth

Bought/sold the farm

Bite the bullet

I have a bone to pick with you

A bun in the oven

Can't get blood from a stone/turnip

Can't carry a tune in a bucket

Can't fight your way out of a wet paper sack

Cash on the barrel-head

Caught with your pants down

Chances are slim to none

Changed his tune

Clear as mud

Comes back to bite you

Comes back to haunt you

Costs and arm and a leg

Cotton on to

Couple bricks shy of a load

As the crow flies

Cute as a bug's ear

Dark as a stack of black cats

Dead as a doornail

Deaf as a post

Dodged a bullet

Doesn't amount to a hill of beans

A dollar waiting on a dime

Don't count your chickens before they hatch

Don't judge a book by it's cover

Down to brass tacks

Down to the wire

Don't a be a stick in the mud

Don't go home until the last dog is hung.

Don't shoot 'til you see the whites of their eyes

Dressed to the nines

Driving like Jehu

Drop in the bucket

(Eat) like it's going out of style

Fall for it hook, line and sinker

Fell down on the job

First whack out of the box

Full as a tick

Funnier than all get out

Get it coming and going

Get it while the getting's good

Get out of my hair

Getting the upper hand

Getting your just desserts

Getting too big for your britches

Goes against the grain

*Going over like a lead balloon

Going to town (at something)

Get my goat

Grab the bull by the horns

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence

See the handwriting on the wall

Hanging by a thread

Handed on a silver platter

Happy as a clam (at high tide, some say)

Haven't seen hide nor hair of them

A hitch in my get-along

Hold your horses

Getting a heads up

Grasping at straws

Hanging by a thread

*I'm out of here like a herd of turtles

Hitting below the belt

Hit it on the nose (right on target)

Hit the spot

If the shoe fits, wear it.

I'll see you in the funny papers 

A fine kettle of fish!

Jumping through hoops

Kick the bucket

Kill two birds with one stone

Knee-high to a grasshopper

A leopard can't change it's spots

Lie through your teeth

Like a hot knife through butter

Living high on the hog

Like a bump/knot on a log

Like it's going out of style

Like pulling teeth

(Doing whatever) Like there's no tomorrow

Lying through their teeth

Living high on the hog

Living the life of Riley

Look down your nose at

Madder than a wet hen

Make hash of (something)

Make hay while the sun shines

Making a mountain out of a mole hill

For many a moon

Money burning a hole in your pocket

More than one way to skin a cat

More than you can shake a stick at

My way or the high way

Need that like a cat needs two tails

Needle in a haystack

Nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof

No holds barred

Not for all the tea in China

Not the only pebble on the beach

No time like the present

Not a leg to stand on

Nothing to sneeze at

Nothing to write home about

One brick shy of a load

One fell swoop

Open a can of worms

Out of the frying pan into the fire

Out of the mouth of babes

Passed with flying colors

Poor as a church mouse

Pot calling the kettle black

Pulling up by your bootstraps 

Pushing the envelope

Pussy footing around

Put a flea in their ear

Pull out all the stops

Put a brick on his head 

Put a lid on it

Put words in my mouth

Put your ducks in a row

Put your money where your mouth is

Put your foot in your mouth (Foot in mouth disease)

Quit beating around the bush

Right up my alley

Raining cats and dogs

Runs like a faucet (noses)

Sawing logs (sleeping heavily or snoring)

Saved by the bell

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scared the liver out of me

I haven't seen hide nor hair of (them)

Shoot yourself in the foot.

Sick a a dog

Six on on and half dozen of another

Slip through the cracks

Slow and steady wins the race

Slow as molasses in January

Speak now or forever hold your peace

Straight from the horse's mouth

Starting on a shoestring

Step up to the plate

Sticks in my craw

Stick to your guns

Stir the pot

Stopped dead in their tracks

Six ways from Sunday

Shot himself in the foot

Slower than molasses in January

Snug as a bug in a rug

Switch horses mid-stream

Take a gander at

Take a leaf out of (someone's) book

Takes to it like a duck to water

That's the way the cookie crumbles

There's egg on your face

The shoe's on the other foot

The tail wagging the dog

'Til the cows come home

Throw in the towel

Took the starch right out of me

Tough row to hoe

Turn over a new leaf

Two shakes of a (dead) lamb's tail

Up a creek without a paddle

Up one side and down another

Upset the apple cart

Water off a duck's back

A watched pot never boils

Were you born in a barn?

Whatever floats your boat

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Work to death

The whole nine yards

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

You make a better door than window

 

Other words

At loggerheads

Blowing up a storm

Bound and determined

A bum steer

Cabbage onto

Catty-corner (kitty-corner)

Cattywampus (catawampus kittywampus )

Chintzy

Chivvy

Cockeyed

Comeuppance

Cotton on to

Crystal clear

Cut and dried

Dead to the world

Dig in your heels

Don't piddle around

Fair to middling

Faster than all get out

Feel like I've been run over by a truck

Fit as a fiddle

First dibs

Flat broke

For crying out loud!

For Pete's sake

Get on the ball

Get up and go

Get your goat

Gist

Hidden up your sleeve

Hit like a ton of bricks

Madder than hops

My get up and go has got up and went

Gumption

Hankering after

Hitch in my git-along

Hoofing it

I reckon so

I have a mind to

Kerfluffle

My old stomping grounds

No spring chicken

Off kilter

Over yonder

Peter out

Plumb crazy (or plumb whatever)

Pulling my leg

Like pulling teeth

Put words in my mouth

Shaking like a leaf/Shaking in their boots

Silver lining

Sitting duck

Slept like a log

Smack dab in the middle of

Splitting hairs

Spot on

Stomping grounds

Stove up

Take a gander at

Tongue lashing

Two left feet

Under your belt (it's done)

Up to snuff

When pigs fly

 

Offered by others

Shanks mare

Went to Valhalla

These sort of sayings and word usage may be native only to certain parts of the country.

I use these and my dad is on the hunt to find more.  I learned them at home.

*Absolute favorites.

Second list

Bennett Wilder

The flags were flying half mast the day my grandson died.

Untimely birth and saddened hopes, a death instead of life.

We wonder what it might have been if this one baby lived

To grow and run and laugh and play, instead we only grieve.

Ah, babe instead of holding you in our arms today, 

We'll always have you in our hearts, you'll never be away.

--Gramma

Yesterday our grandson was buried.

It was a very small service with just family there. 

A few chairs, a table for mementos, a small casket.

A few hymns, a short message, many tears.

Yesterday our grandson was buried.

When it was time for the service, Anthony and Lynette received the dear body of their baby Bennett, wrapped in the blanket I made and carried him with tears to the tiny casket that Anthony made and gently laid him in with the little snuggle bunny that Lynette held close to her heart. 

We sat in teary silence as the father and grandfathers filled the grave.

A grandmother placed the wreath on the mounded earth and with long last looks we left,

to visit again another day. 

We knew early on that there were problems and this is what Lynette said:

We're having a baby, a little boy due in July, but he probably isn't ours to keep.  We don't know much except that he has anomalies that lead us to a diagnosis of Trisomy 18.  We are devastated.  This is a grief we weren't prepared for.... I don't think anyone could be prepared for this. It's the kind that sits on your chest and makes you feel like you can't breathe. The kind that keeps you in bed for days, even though you can't sleep.  It's been awhile since we found our something was wrong and it's a little bit easier to put o a brave face now...but then the grief hits out of nowhere and I'm gasping for air again. He could go tomorrow or hold on until delivery or a little after.  Some babies survive longer, although statistics are not on our side.  We are broke and don't know how we'll ever recover from this, but we are going to love our sweet baby and keep him warm and safe until his little hears drums it's last beat...and then forever after.  

Our daughter has taken us with her on this journey by her words.

20 whole weeks (and a few days) of growing this perfect boy.  Most Trisomy 18 babies are diagnosed at this time after their anatomy scan, but we've know about his extra chromosome for almost 8 weeks already.  A big part of me was angry that we found out so early.  I wanted more time to be blissfully unaware....more time to be happy and normal.. The day we got diagnosed the genetic counselor told us that our baby only had a 20% chance of making it to 20 weeks.  That phrase has rung through my head a million times in the past two months...20% chance to 20 weeks...that means 80% chance he'll die soon.  Every cramp and twinge made me panic.  It's be working in triage and feel something off and wonder if I  should be in one of those rooms....Even though there are days that I still wish we could've skipped that pain of the past 8 weeks, I'm thankful that we've cherished every moment of this pregnancy in that time...maybe I would've taken those days for granted had we not known.  I'm so proud of how hard he's fought to stay here with us. It can't help but smile when I catch this tiny bump in the mirror or feel him wiggle around.  It can't wait t meet him, but I'm hoping and praying for another 20 weeks of his precious kicks in my belly.

Really feeling the anxiety tonight. Woke up and can't go back to sleep. This has been the hardest week since our diagnosis. Focusing on the fact that as of midnight we officially made it to 20 weeks. They gave me an 80% chance of miscarrying before 20 weeks so I'm so proud of 'benny for making it this far. He's awake and kicking right now telling me he's okay. Anytime after now is considered still birth which sounds horrible but I'm happy we made it this far because the term miscarriage just wouldn't do this pain justice.

Anatomy scan today was horrible. Bennett is starting to fall behind on growth. He has a significant defect of the left arm. That part makes me really sad. His omphalocele is still there but rather small. he may have cysts in his brain. They believe he has 2 significant heart defects but they couldn't get great pictures because he can't move his left arm and it was in the way. They think a ventricular septal defect and transposition of the great vessels. The heart defects will likely be what causes his death if he survives delivery. Yes, these can be fixed by surgery, but he will never be strong enough to survive it and it's not something we will pursue. i also had high blood pressure already and they are worried about mirror syndrome. This is a serious form of pre-eclampsia and that happens when carrying a sick baby...sick baby=sick mom which is why they call it mirror syndrome. I think my blood pressure was anxiety caused, but they are making me check it every night at work form here on out. If I get mirror syndrome we will have to deliver regardless of how far along I am.

She didn't get mirror syndrome.

The appointment today was better than expected. He only has one heart defect (VSD) and his omphalocele getting smaller. We talked to a neonatologist about how much time we could have with him but she really couldn't give us much info because these babies are so different after delivery. If he survives birth he could pass in the hospital or maybe come home on hospice. Which leaves to a lot of questions like oxygen and feeling tubes and now far we want to go. We feel very unprepared to make these decisions....how does anyone decide stuff like this for their baby?

23 Weeks

The sweetest baby boy there ever was. Ultrasound days are so hard, but we are also love getting to see his beautiful face and little toes. Right now I'm struggling so much with all the unknowns. Anthony and I definitely don't feel prepared enough or old enough or wise enough to make the decisions we now have to think about. All these things are based on "ifs" anyway... "if" he is born alive..."if" he has no additional surprises... "if" he can breathe...I'm hoping somehow we'll just know what to do when the time comes. One thing is for sure though...he is the most loved little boy and we are and we'll be thankful for every second we have with him in or out!

April--25 weeks.

April 22

Being pregnant with a sick baby is so hard. Nothing about it makes sense. Part of the time I'm proud of my growing bump and excited to talk about the perfect baby who is rolling and kicking in my belly.  Other times I wasnt to wear a sigh that says "don't ask if I'm pregnant" because the "congratulations!" are just too much.  

Anthony and I are still able to laugh at his wiggly self during ultra sounds and point out  all his sweet features...a lot of times we're able to find joy in this journey but there's always a moment when it all comes crashing down again and reality hits.  It never gets easier hearing the words "stillbirth" or hospice," We shouldn't have to be recording a heartbeat because we have no guarantees of nearing it again.  I shouldn't be looking atgrowth curves with his little dot so far away from the line that I thought it was a i

stake when I first saw it.  I'm trying so heard to cling to the to the good days and happy moments, Even when everything is so hard and unfair, his little pictures bring me so much jog.  He looks so content all snuggles up in my belling...it looks like he's trying ot tell us that he's okay and it will be alright.  I love this perfect boy ore than I'll even be able to say.  Baby boy, I can't wait to kiss those lips, but please hold on and keep growing strong. 

April 25

I'm sending you all a message together because I['m tired and sad.  Benny isn't doing well.  He's falling behind on growth rapidly which means we could love him soon.  we are still hoping that we make it closer to term but it's not looking good.  He is beautiful and perfect.

April 26

Bennet Wilder Troyer--4/29/2021 6:25 pm

1 pound 10 oz., 13 inches long

Bennett because it means blessed, and he was blessed.  Given to us by God for a moment and getting to leave this work knowing nothing but love.

Wilder because that's all we want for him. To be running through the fields of heaven, picking flowers to save for mama and waiting for daddy to come play. Wild and free.

Our baby Benny passed away snuggled up in his mama's belly and then was born peacefully into his daddy's hands.  Our hearts are broken in two  We will love our sweet son forever. 

Stillborn; still loved.

April 27

Dear Son,

I have heard that there are a few precious moments that will define an entire lifetime. You are one of those for me.  No words I can ever speak or write will describe how I felt when I saw your perfect little face.  

It was in that moment that I made a promise to never ever take anything in this life for granted again.  Every sunset, every birdsong, every waterfall, every smile, every storm cloud, every puppy cuddle, every starry night, every bike ride, every ocean wave, and most importantly every day I have to live.  All things that you will never have the pleasure of enjoying.  It is the least I can do for you.

Over the last several months I have asked a question that seems so simple, yet is one that I don't know if I will every truly know the answer to.  Why" Why you" Why us" Why now?

Even with all of the unknows I have taken solace in knowing that no matter what happed you would be one of the greatest blessings I have had.  because of you I have learned how to love more deeply, I have learned how to take life more slowly, and most importantly I have learned what it means to be a Dad.

"If I'm honest, I'll keep you inside my min.  As I try to say goodbye. There was more than one heart that stopped that night."

Love you forever,

Dad 

April 29, 2021

I feel like I don't have any words for what this week has been.  Fear. Heartbreak. Joy. Indescribable pain.  immeasurable love.  We were so unprepared to meet Benny so soon.  We knew stillbirth was a possibility, but I had so, so much hope that we would make it to term and get to meet him alive. When I noticed I hadn't felt him move all day, I thought there was just no way he could be gone. I thought this little heartbeat would start thumping right away when I checked with the Doppler because it just wasn't even a possibility that it wouldn't be there. I didn't even tell Anthony I was worried because I truly didn't believe it could be over already.  It doesn't matter how many times we were "prepared" by doctors.  I am convinced there is nothing worse in the world than hearing that your baby has no heartbeat...except maybe leaving your newborn's body at the hospital to never see or hold or love on again.  It's so unfair.  we didn't deserve this.  He was perfect and beautiful.  We shouldn't only get to share him with the work with a few pictures.  as much as I cherish these photos, they don't do him justice.  He had the softest head of hair...light brown and a little bit curly.  And he was fuzzy everywhere! I hope I never forget the feeling of stoking his little cheeks. His butto nose was exactly as kissable as it was on every ultrasound. Just perfect. He had little tiny nails on his long fingers and his feet were hilariously huge for his little body.  He would have been tall like his daddy. We started calling him Benny Rabbit months ago after he would kick while we read him a little book about bunnies.  He definitely had big benny Rabbit feet and his fuzzies were so fitting for his nickname. I wish I could feel the weight of his body in my arms just one more time.  But I know that one time wouldn't be enough. Oh baby Benny,  I would give anything in the world just for one more minute.

April 30, 2021

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. 

And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

Tonight we laid our baby Bennett to rest in the most beautiful casket made by his daddy...a sage place to sleep and one last ultimate act of love. Visit me in my dream Benny Rabbit...I love you more than I could ever say.

May 2, 2021

Today is Bereaved Mother's Day.  How fitting.  I'm not feeling inspirational or grateful or anything good right now.  One week ago, my baby died.  One week ago, I felt his last kick and I didn't even know it was his last.  One week ago, I went from being pregnant and not taking a second of if to being...not. I'm angry and sad and wish I was still rubbing a big round belly full of life.  I even wish I had back pain and stretch marks and heartburn. I'd take it all. Instead, I'm here in bed, looking at pictures of my baby boy and wishing everything was different. To all the mama's "celebrating" this holiday: I'm sorry. This is the worst club to be in.

Mother's Day 2021

This is not what you should be doing on Mother's Day, but it is.  You should be happy today, but you aren't.  With all that siad, you are and will be the best mother for our children.  It will never stop being proud of you.  

I love you, Anthony

May 8, 2021

Stillbirth is so unfair.  It's like the most cruel joke the world has to offer.  You "almost" get a baby.  Almost, but not quite. It's a weird thing to be jealous of parents whose children died in their arms. but I so am.  i wish so much for that, that Benny could have died in my arms.  That's how horrible stillbirth is...that holding your child as he dies is preferable. I look at all these other trisomy parents who got more time and I'm so jealous. Some have gotten years with their baby.  Some months, days, hours, or even minutes.  I got nothing.  I got a beautiful baby who was born without a heartbeat. I think my biggest guilt comes from not knowing exactly when he dies.  The day it happened, i was just living life normally, not knowing he was struggling.  That's not how it should have been.  even if I only got seconds with him. I should have been holding him.  I wanted him to be able to see me, just one.  I wanted to be able to hold him tight on my chest and tell him I loved him and that I wanted to be able to hold him tight on my chest and tell him I loved him and that it was okay to go.  I know his was safe in my belly when he died and that he was warm and comfortable. I know I was there, but I feel like I wasn't. I didn't know. I know I can't change it and I shouldn't dwell on it.  I just keep thinking over and over that it's not fair.  because it's not. Because still birth isn't fair.  What I've learned about his so far is that the grief, guilt, anger, pain...it's just love with nowhere to go.  I love you, Bennett. I miss your little fuzzy head oh so much.

"Like a stab would every time,' he said.  Leaves a hole, and a little of your life-blood drains away." -- Village Affairs, Miss Read

This post is a very personal account of a journey of pain and birth and death.

It has been recorded in other places, so I'm not violating anyone's privacy.  I am publishing this for our own therapy and on the chance it will help someone else on a similar journey.

"It's not what you take, when you leave this world behind you,

It's what you leave behind you when you go."

The Torch Has Passed

A very dear friend passed away yesterday.

He ate breakfast at our table two days before that. 

Here was a man who we've known for 20 years.  

He was active, happy, helpful, a lover of children.

Our children, who were very young 20 years ago, 

remember his words and his character.

He had been unwell, but no one knew how much.  

He went to the hospital and didn't come back alive.

He left his things scattered in his bedroom in our home,

 ready to be organized for his recovery.  

His shaving kit was in the bathroom, his clothes in the closet.  

All that's left is a little bit of stuff.

Those things that were in daily use and are no longer needed.

Now, all that's left is an empty room.

Life, even after 80 years, is a temporary thing.  

What we'll remember is not that stuff,

but who he was and what he really lived for. 

Flip-Flop

The calendar says spring, but the weather says winter.  

I had two Saturdays this week.  We had a day of rain and snow on Friday so Jim didn't go to work.  

It feels like Saturday when he is working around our place.  

Fridays are usually good days for me, too.  I've recovered from my two days of chasing boys around and I'm ready to get at my projects, which often consist of catching up what needs to be done.  

I am deep cleaning a little each week as I go along and I'm in the kitchen now.  I'm half done I think.  

The regular school year is nearly over and I'm down to one day a week with the boys.  

There is summer work for Lorene coming up, but we will work that out when we know more. 

Christian knows that I'm much more inclined to give snacks when a tea party is involved.  Our little packs of muffins contained only 4.  We have to have separate tea pots for some reason.  

Earlier this week it was spring and we had Barry overnight on Saturday.  

He helped and/or played around Jim for most of that beautiful, just warm enough, windless day.  The picked up twigs and branches, mowed, and worked on the barn.  

When Jim was gone for a bit, Barry and I deadheaded daffodils and dug rocks out of the driveway for the flower bed by the shop.  

He is indefatigable and I was stove up in the back for half the next week.  

My plan with grandchildren is to really wear them out.  They go to sleep so much easier. 

At the end of the day we burnt those branches and a few marshmallows.  

Jim is willing to take a long time to toast the ones he eats to a perfect light brown with a gooey middle.

It's a tradition to go out to Sunday lunch at Burger King where there are always a few kids to play with on the play set.  There wasn't as much playing this time because all the kids were enthralled to see the fire truck come to put out the fire in the trash bins.  

I see it is a good idea to have the bins in a nice brick enclosed area away from the building. 

 

Barry then chose to go out to the Archway and feed the fish.  I allotted the whopping sum of $2 to buy the food.  There wasn't a whole roiling mass of fish this time, but the ones that came were big with big mouths.  We walked around a bit.  It's a lovely place to enjoy. 

Lily of the Valley is my favorite flower.  I should say one of my favorites since my daffys are my favorite, and my dutch iris, and my woodland phlox, and my....

well, you get the idea.

Mom had loads of these growing in the shady spots by our house.  I loved their tiny crispness, their beautiful smell.  We used to take May Day bouquets to our teachers when I was little and one year the lilies were ready on the first of May.  I don't remember them blooming that early ever then.  

This year, I have a new record, April 22nd.

Of course, we are just enough south of home to be on the north edge of the next planting zone. 

1. White coral bells

Upon a slender stalk,

Lilies of the valley deck my garden walk.

2. Oh don’t you wish

That you could hear them ring?

That will happen only when the angels sing.

Tulips and Woodland Phlox

Random stolen shots of boys with Paislee

And then it was winter. 

This is the latest snow I remember that lasted long enough to get a photo.

April 28th

We are looking forward to warmer sunny days next week.