Unability

Well, it happened.

I knew it would. I was just waiting.  

We went to the high school art show in the art museum and I was asked to leave my water bottle at the door.  

Now, I can't go much more than three minutes without a sip of water or else my mouth gets very uncomfortable.  It dries up so my tongue sticks to the inside of my mouth, people can't understand what I say, it hurts and after while I start to cough.  So, I told her I don't have saliva and I need it.  She replied that it was the insurance company's policy.  

I felt bad, and I didn't respond very well.  It also meant I either didn't go look at the show, or I walked back through two rooms every 5 minutes to take a drink.  Which is what I did, until I found all of Lynette's items, and then I went back and sat down with my water bottle until the rest were finished.  

Then I remembered I had given myself a talking to about this very subject awhile back.  There would be times and places that would be inconvenient for me to carry a water bottle.  And that would be okay.  There are some things that you cannot do when you are "disabled".  I agree that "we the people" should accommodate people with differing abilities so they can enjoy a reasonably normal life.  But, there are still things that can not be accommodated.  A person in a wheel chair does not need to climb a mountain.   Water and art work don't mix.  I can live with that, but I didn't want to on Friday.

Chickenless Chicken Pie

I made a beautiful chicken pot pie last night.  I used Pioneer Woman's pie crust recipe, which I hesitate to say, since it is so close to my mom's recipe, just different proportions and I have been using long before I knew about PW.  But, hers was easy to find, since the cookbook was on my counter and easier to reduce since I didn't have enough butter to make a whole batch.  

I wanted it all ready to bake for tomorrow night, since I will have grandboys this morning while my daughter has an ultrasound, and my folks are coming today to help work outside, (and will probably expect me to, also), and I really should look at the status of my business checking account, and.....

I will be tired.  

Getting it ready was all well and good, I like to have supper ready ahead of time, BUT, as I was talking to Jim on the phone last night (he's out of town), I had one of those "OH, NO" moment.

I forgot to put the chicken in!!!  

I spent so much time carefully mixing the filling, chopping and precooking the vegetables, wondering how long I should wait for it to cool before putting the top on, (not long enough obviously), that I never took the chicken out the the fridge.  

And, of course, I had the top crust lying on the counter, rolled to the perfect thickness, almost a circle, bigger than the pie pan, and it rolled over my rolling pin beautifully, no sticking to the counter, placed on the pan so there was crust evenly sticking out around the edges, (not half on like so many times).  I fork printed it all around and put it it the fridge.  

Now, what am I supposed to do?  Jim does not want to eat vegetable pie.  I do not have enough butter to make more crust, neither do I want to. I can't take it off and reroll it, it will have filling stuck to the bottom.  

Stay tuned, something will be done.  I'm just not sure what at 6:22 am.

Beautiful Pie

I cut around the top crust and lifted it out in one piece,  This was made easier because it was cold and set overnight.

Chopped Chicken--Finally

I sprinkled it on top and mixed it in slightly.

Then I laid the top crust back on and it looks almost as good as it did before.

I would like to blame this episode on chemo and radiation brain, but I'm not sure.  I've done things like this before.

This is Spring?

I don't expect a balmy April, in fact I expect a rather lovely late March that tempts me into outside work and preparing in mind and body for a chilly rainy April in which I want to huddle inside next to the fireplace.  What I don't expect it so cold and snowy.  Frost at night yes, but not 25 degree nights and 32 degree days.  Rain and rain, but not snow and sleet and hail and thunder and lightening and wind, all in one night, with tornado watches.  And the next week, more snow. 

It really was like spring a couple of weeks ago, but we have had such unseasonable weather since then that these days will go into the annals of memory as "never had we such an April".  We have been lucky in our area not to be affected by the worst of the storms, road closings, and amount of snow that afflicted some of my friends.  Today is the latest I remember having measurable snow.  If we had more snow, the wind would make a real blizzard today. 

I should be able to remember this April. It always helps to have some sort of reference point to keep the passing seasons in my mind.  I remember a few years ago, on April 11th, there was a late ice storm that brought down power lines and caused rural areas to be out of power for several weeks. Today, April 18th, the day after Jim's birthday, I am watching the snow blow across the landscape.   I would be perfectly happy enjoying the scene, except I have a daughter at school who has to drive in this stuff.home and to work,   The forecast says it won't last all day, but we will see. 

I tried to get photos this morning showing the blowing snow, but that is pretty hard to do. 

From inside the deck door.

From the kitchen window.

No matter what the weather is like, if we are going to have our choice of baby chicks, they have to be bought. 

They are so cute.  

All cuddled up for a nap.

April's Hair

Part of me wishes I would have planned to take photos of my head every month so I could watch my hair grow.  It doesn't grow fast enough, because right now it is in the stand up all over my head or wet it down flat stage, but can't be depended on to do either one all at one time.  Anyway, I will likely get enough photos during the 5 or so years it will take to get my hair anywhere approaching the length it once was.  Here is April's.

As you can see part of my hair is wanting to curl, but not all of it, which is part of the reason my hair is annoyingly difficult to do much with except comb it as flat as I can.  The left side tends to grow toward the back, the right, straight down, the top and crown would rather stand up, and in the back, one half wants to curl, and the other is so thin you can see my scalp.  It is the funniest hair I have ever seen.  

(on me anyway)

Oh well, hair grows, and I'm glad I have something so trivial to complain about.  

What We've Been Up To

Spring is here!  

Or as much as it can be in April here.  My daffodils and hyacinths are blooming and snow is forecast for tomorrow.  The nice weather is giving me spring fever so I went downstairs to clean up around my summer pots and took a few outside on the deck, right next to the door, so I can take them in again tonight.  I feel like I want to be outside taking care of last year's garden trash, but I still have laundry in the washer and dryer, and dishes in the dishwasher.  

Jim is gone for the week on an out of town job, so Lynette and I could live in complete squalor until Friday afternoon and only do fun things.  Except, I really don't like that, I want a better example of house keeping for her to see, besides she has to work and has loads of art homework to do.

I've been celebrating my birthday for weeks, now  Sunday we finally had my "birthday dinner" at Red Lobster.  I had crab fettuccine, and discovered that my throat is not ready for garlic mashed potatoes.  The crab was good, though.  

I got this absolutely darling yarn bowl in the mail from my sister in law, and promptly put it to use with the yarn Jim gave me for my birthday.  It was just the thing for all that ribbony, fluffy and easily tangled up yarn.  I love it! 

Lynette has been taking part in the "One Million Bones" project, a global project focusing on genocide awareness.  Several of the schools in the area made bones in their art classes to display in the state capital and then in Washington, DC.  Lynette's art teacher wanted to bring the display to the public so the Kearney area bones were displayed in the art museum.  The teacher took Lynette with her on a TV interview the day before the public event, and Lynette gave a little speech Saturday afternoon at the afternoon event.  

Then the public was invited to go make bones to be a part of the display. I am no artist, those are mine on the right. 

I didn't take very many photos of the boys while I was sick, and sometime I want to chronicle those boys development last year sometime, but here they are on a recent visit to Gramma's house.  These boys have more fun with balloons.  Barry just throws his in the air and chuckles.  Zane likes to have one blown up and let go before tying and laughs watching it spin around the room.  After an adult blows one up Zane can blow it up himself.  

Papa's Boys

I picked up Barry for the first time since I was sick this week, I'm so glad I can really enjoy these boys.

Spring Jonquils

Going Home

We went "home" last weekend.  I haven't been there for a year.  I seemed like a good time to make my first visit to some where else than the doctor's office.  Usually, to celebrate my birthday we take a trip to my folks.  It was a little later this year since my dad was gone to some meetings on the more logical weekend.  

It is funny that the place where you spend the first 18 years of your life is still "home" no matter how many years you spend somewhere else.  Actually, I lived in that house 13 years, but I wonder if it is the same for people who move often.  Is coming "home" just where your parents are?  I have a lot of memories stored in that old house and that neighborhood.  We walked out on the nice day that Saturday was, and we went by familiar places that aren't quite the same I remember.  The rock lined "pond" in a neighbor's front yard that used to hold gold fish and is now a flower garden.  The last north/south road before the river that is paved now, but way back when it was gravel, there was a pig that lived just around the bend.  What used to be the "alley" just west of our house that was lined with poplars, across which we grew potatoes one year at the neighbors.  There are little apartments there now.  And it's paved.  Farther afield, while driving, we drove past the lot where our apartment house stood, that three story large house where we lived on the first floor a few years before I was five.  We would race to the large front window, jump on the couch that was under it to watch trains go by.  It burned when I was a senior, and we sold the lot.  There is a steel building there now.  I still remember the large trees that were there along the road.  It is hard to remember exactly which block the curving gravel road used to be that would take us right back to my folk's house.  It is paved now, the tangle of bushes and trees along it are gone, houses are built where before there was just a mess of woody area. It looks so much more civilized, but it isn't like I remember.  It's town now, not the edge of town running into untamed land down to the river.  Then we went past what used to be the trailer court which was my first home.  It is just an empty place now.  Nothing there but grass.

In some ways, "you can't go home again".  Certainly, I can't go back to what it used to be, but I can go back to the memories and that little town will always be my "home town".

Crafty Days

I've been doing a ridiculous amount of knitting and crocheting of late.  It is easy to want to do, like today when it is the 26th of March and it is 13 degrees F when we got up.  I've made three baby afghans, and three are in progress, six baby hats, these felted knitted bowls and the big afghan for us to snuggle under.
I've also done plenty of normal housekeeping things and office work.  I've been trying to feel like cleaning out   the bedroom we've made into an office, and it is so discouraging because I don't know what to do with all the scrapbooking stuff that is in the closet.  I don't have room to put it anywhere else.  I NEED to finish some  books.  Which I would if I wasn't knitting.
Speaking of knitting, I like to felt things.  It is cool to knit up some yarn and throw it in the washer and come out with something that is thick and feltly and doesn't look quite like it did before.   I had some leftover wool given me by a sister-in-law,  (I'm a good dumping ground for yarn) and decided I wanted to try my hand at some bowls.  They worked up quickly and are just plumb cute.  

They felted very nicely in my front loader with a load of towels. 

As soon as it got cold last year, when I was on the couch I was snuggled under a big thick afghan that was Aunt Inez'.  I wanted to made another one that looked better in our living room.  The purply-pink just didn't match. So I used this green variegated yarn and it turned out just the way I wanted.  It's nice looking with our new brown couch and love seat.  I wanted it heavy so I used double yarn with size 15 needles.  I wanted it pretty so I knitted in cables.  I was so careful in binding off so it was loose enough and I was pleased with the way it looked and felt.  So, I threw it over the couch to take a photo.  Imagine my surprise and dismay when right there in the middle of the piece---I missed a cable.  There it was glaring at me, and what to do.  I didn't want to take it apart and redo it, it took me so long already.  

So, I didn't. It's too hard to make everything perfect.  I usually do go fix a mistake if I catch it before I'm all done and it isn't more than a few inches back.  

 I remembered hearing something once upon a time about quilters making deliberate mistakes in a quilt, so I researched it on google.  I found they are called humility blocks and the story is a myth. It is attributed to the Amish especially, but plenty of other quilters would say along with them, "I can make enough mistakes without making them on purpose."

My birthday was last week and I decided to do something I especially liked to do on that day, so I invited a couple of friends over for tea.  They brought lovely gifts.  I think I fall way down on the gift department for others. Jim and I went out to eat with some friends that were in town for high school speech.  We had planned on going out sometime as a family, but Lynette was working that night.  She made my cake early,  and we ate it after we got home. I smooshed mine all up with ice cream. That's malted milk balls, and it wasn't so easy to get them to stick up there.  While she was working on it, I would hear, "plink, plink, plink" and an occasional "auuugh", but it turned out nicely in spite of all that. 

Then on Sunday, we had dinner with my older daughter, and they made soup so I could eat what they had, too.  How nice of them.  It was nice to see them and play with the boys again.  Before we left, though, Zane was cuddling up on Papa's lap.  He acted like he was getting sick.  If that boy is quiet, it's not normal.

Now I can get back to crocheting. 

Back to Our Regular Programming

I see two schools of thought when it comes to blogging.  The day to day chat of daily life, or the thought provoking posts meant to inspire.  It is too difficult to post the thought provoking kind all the time, although some people seem to be able to produce that sort of thing in the daily life posts.  I blog mainly because I want to write.  I want to chronicle my life and if thought provoking pops out, so be it.

Actually I like to read about daily lives. It's interesting how other people live and what they do.  

I said in my last post that I wouldn't be writing any more cancer posts. That doesn't mean I won't ever mention it again.  Cancer has been and the results are a part of my life.  My life, my way of life has been changed forever and my posts will reflect that.  But, it doesn't dominate my life and my way of thinking anymore.  It's still up there in my thinking, but not dominating.

Here I get ready to talk about ordinary life and I can't remember much of what happened in March.  Since when is life supposed to go so fast when you are ill?  I went to the theater boosters meeting and volunteered for treasurer and the scholarship committee.  This is the first meeting I've been to all year.  I've been grocery shopping by myself. I bought a bunch of new yarn, and finished a couple of afghans.  I have my tax stuff in to the accountant.  I've washed loads of clothes, cleaned house, knitted, crocheted, read, cooked, done office work for Jim, fed the cats and kept the fire burning,  Oh, and dishes, too.  I've not hounded my daughter enough to practice the piano.  We've been out to eat, had mother/daughter shopping and eating, in short, just normal stuff, and I'm enjoying it.  (Well, maybe not the laundry and dishes.) No wonder the time goes fast.  

Here are a few pictures of little things in March.   

Tumbler made in ceramics class.

Ditto for puzzle pieces

Flower meringue on mini lemon pies, by Lynette.

Mini cheesecakes and dipped strawberries.

My first coconut cream pie.  Jim loves it. 

Baby shoes from when I was a kid.  (Cleaning out closets.)

Cool t-shirt, made by Lynette, with bleach.

The Elephant in the Room

Some parts of this post will be very hard to write, and some of it might be hard to read.  I want to sort of "wind up" my cancer/recovery vigil, partly to come to an end of only cancer related posts, and partly to remind myself of where I am right now, so that in a few months I can go back and look at the progress I've made. I really appreciate those who have followed me on this journey, because it is pleasant to read the comments of those who are encouraging me.  

Anyway....I was in Omaha today for a doctor's appointment, again, I'm getting tired of going to the doctor.  However, this was a two months out visit, and so will the next one be.  The visits are now turning into, checking over all my lymph glands to see if there are any changes and cleaning out my sinuses, debridement, it's called.  It entails the doctor looking up into my sinus cavity (which is truly a one big open hole) with a light and a forceps with a tiny alligator mouth on the end, cleaning out the crusted old mucus lingering there.  This is part of the healing process, it used to take an hour every month to clean me out, and it took twenty minutes today, and then some suctioning, So, the doctor was pleased.  It means the inside of me is healing.  He said that someday, I may not have to have the clean out done at all.   I know it sounds horrible, and while it isn't very pleasant to watch, it really isn't painful, just a little uncomfortable.   

A year ago this month I was self-doctoring for supposed sinus infection.  After spring break, I went to the doctor and got antibiotics for said supposed infection.  And that is where it started.  A year later, I have half of my strength back, no smell, little taste, a tired brain, and hardly any saliva.  My sinuses are still healing, draining and producing extra mucus which drains down my throat and I gag.  But, I have no tumor, and no residual cancer.  

Any recovery now will be virtually unnoticeable.  So, it is time to say good-bye to cancer posts, and onto real life.  

Now, about that elephant.

Sadly, one of the things I've had to deal with during my treatment and recovery is the odor that lingers in my sinuses.  Some days, it is a really horrible smell that can be detected at a distance from me, some days it isn't there at all, some days you have to be right next to me to smell it.  It is caused by all that extra mucus sitting around in my sinus cavity.  Since my sinuses are not normal at all, they don't act normal either.  The stuff doesn't blow or drain out of my nose.  I rinse twice daily to remove some of the mucus, but it doesn't all come out and what sits in there gets smelly.  Jim and I spent quite a bit of time trying to find a pattern to the odor, like, does it happen when I have a certain taste in my mouth, or when my nose runs a little more, or if I have more drainage than usual.  But, there is no pattern.  I can't tell when it's there, I have no sense of smell.  I have to depend on Jim to sniff me before I go places so I can rinse.  That helps.  Except when it doesn't.  I don't like this. It bothers Jim sometimes, and the poor guy has to live with me.  And what about other people?  It makes me hesitant about getting next to people and talking to them.  It can be very unpleasant to be next to me when it is really bad.  Anyway, I know what is going on, we are doing what we can and I hope this isn't a permanent condition.  It was very encouraging today for the doctor to say that eventually I won't need to have the mucus cleared out, and I am hoping I won't have the odor anymore after that.

I am looking at another year of recovery, for sinus healing, for a normal voice, for possible saliva.  So, I am ordering my life to live for right now, if it doesn't get any better than this it's okay. 

 I'm fine. 

Anything else is gravy.   

There IS a Photo, Really!

Like I promised, here is my picture, the way I looked on Sunday morning.  I really wanted to have this picture up earlier, but everyone else is so busy, I had a hard time getting it taken.  If my photographers that live here weren't busy, I was in my pajamas.  Or I looked tired.  Or something.  

My hair is long enough now it is over the tips of my ears, and long enough to give me bedhead.  It is a little fluffy and very soft. 

And there is something new about me.  Can you tell?