Your Loss Is My Loss

We went to a funeral last week.  

A lovely woman married to Jim's second cousin finished her course 

far earlier than anyone expected.

My heart hurts--for the family who lost a wife, mother, grandmother, aunt,

for friends who no longer know her companionship

for me because after surviving cancer I'm full of mixed up emotions.

I want to write great words of comfort and sympathy, but all I can feel is heart sore. 

I came across this in an advice column and thought it was apt.

"...showing up as a witness to someone else's loss is a vital expression of our own humanity."

Is It Aging...

...or Radiation?

We all know that growing old isn't for sissies.  I just didn't expect it to start so early.  

Of course, having cancer and aggressive treatment exacerbates the aging business, 

at least I feel it does.

Anyway, I went to the eye doctor early this month.  I have been having problems with my left eye for at least six months including wavy lines, small print and a spot in the middle.  When I talked to the nurse at the eye doctor’s in Oct, I felt she rather pooh-poohed the issue and said call if it gets worse.  It didn’t, so I made an appointment for a regular check-up and since my doctor is in high demand, I went in the second week in January and she acted a bit startled that the nurse told me it wasn’t a big deal.  Long story short, after a whole bunch of pictures, there is fluid in my macula (which is the stuff right dead center in the eye) and she wanted me to see a retina specialist to find out what was the best thing to do for it. That bump in there is causing the above mentioned problems.

 

I saw the retina specialist yesterday.  My eyes were dilated, and a whole bunch of other drops put in, dilated again and after another whole bunch of pictures, the Dr. comes in and says the fluid is gathering there because a blood vessel is blocked.  (This could be because of the radiation or because I’m over 50.) And, there is nothing to do about it, permanently, anyway.  What does get done, is an injection to stop the swelling.  IN.MY.EYE.  So, what to do.  Do I leave it be and let the other eye take completely over in the reading department and will there be other problems?  So, after a few more drops, one for numbing and other that does something to the eye that make the needle go in more easily, my eyelids are propped open by some little tool and away he goes.  I felt the pressure, but no pain.  What bothers the most is the “making it easier” drop which stings for several minutes. 

 

After making appointments for my next two shots, 4 weeks apart, we went to Walmart to restock my eye drop supply and get some gel for night time. Then I sat on the couch feeling slightly miserable and more than slightly sorry for myself, while putting in drops to relieve the itchy feeling in between naps.  My dilation didn’t go down until bedtime, so the light from our big front window wasn’t very comfortable.

 

I won’t have pictures every time, maybe not until my third appointment.  I’m hoping when the pictures aren’t taken, I won’t have the dilation to worry about and it won’t be as big a deal.  In other words, I should be able to do normal things in between drops.  It’s hard to see with pupils dilated and a bit painful.

Just another misstep in my journey.

What will be next?  

A New Year With a Glance at the Past

The First of January --

This is the time of year that many of us reflect on the previous year, look toward the next, 

and write a few resolutions. 

I'm not making many resolutions.  A long list tends to failure.

I have a few goals in mind, but not set in stone at the moment.

I didn't give last year my best, and I want this year to be different.  

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The end of the year is a special time in our family.  

Zane was born the last day of the year, and this year he turned 10.

My first grandchild is in the double digits.  

He's changed from a little boy to a big one.  

He loves to read and play board games.

He loves computer games and his tablet.  

This year he wanted me to make his birthday cake.  

He wanted a layer cake--4 layers.  

At first he wanted black frosting, but we talked him into Lego blue.  I had the idea then that I would put primary colors in between the layers and went looking for red paste food color, forgetting what time of year it is , but there was none.  

I found red frosting and knowing I had yellow, green and blue colors at home I was set to go.

I have four 8" cake pans so I carefully measured the batter so I could divide it evenly between the four pans.  It sure looked like 4 cups in the big measuring up, but after I put the first two layers in the oven, another cup of batter in the third pan, ...

and there wasn't a cup to put in the last pan.  So, I divided what batter I had between the last two pans and had layers of different sizes.  

I used some things called "bake evens", adjustable heavy cloth thingys you dampen and put around your pan so the cake doesn't rise up in the middle and you don't have to waste a lot of cake cutting off the top to even it out.  That worked, if not like a charm, satisfactorily enough that when I piled them up, my cake only leaned slightly.  

The trouble began after I frosted and stacked the layers and began on the royal blue color I wanted for the outside.  

Being the messy, not picking up after myself cook that I am, I had various colors and powdered sugar and utensils scattered over my counter, and carefully adding the blue paste, noting that I didn't have any too much to begin with. So, I keep adding and mixing and adding and mixing and not looking what I was doing grabbed the green paste color and got this ---

Teal

And no more blue coloring.

I went into town to Walmart and no paste blue color.

No gel primary colors.  Was I going to have to buy the blue, brown, black and some other color I don't remember just now, to get my blue?

Then I saw a torn box of the primary colors and carefully holding it together purchased it and got in into the house and there I discovered I lost the red color.  

Thankfully, I didn't lose the blue.

This was as good as I could get. 

I'm sorry I didn't get the blue I wanted, but circumstances and ineptitude were against me.

I put some cocoa in the teal frosting hoping it would look more, er, edible, but to no avail.  If you eat it with your eyes closed, it's good.

What to do with it?

The only suggestion I've received is to use it in graham cracker cookies.  You won't be able to see the color that way.  

Zane decorated it, and we ate it all up.  

Happy Birthday, Big Guy!!