Monday, August 13, 2012

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Time to take the bull by the horns and write a post whether I feel like it or not.  Yesterday, it felt really good to say, "I'm half done with chemo," having two rounds behind me, and two left to go.  Today, it doesn't feel so good since we were asking the radiology oncologist, what the next two weeks of radiation would look like, and he said, "I reserve the right to add more more radiation if it is needed."  So, it doesn't feel equally good to say, "I'm 2/3 done with radiation," because I don't know if I am.  

In fact, I'm rather in a turmoil of emotions altogether, and don't really know what I feel, everything seems up in the air at the moment. 
One thing I know I feel, is that I would really, really like to be done with the radiation, and the side effects of that are hardly started yet.  I don't have any of the skin burning and peeling which is going to have to happen before this is all done.  

It is also really hard to know what sort of things to post because side-effects aren't really pretty.  I mentioned before that the radiation is damaging internal mouth tissue and then as the body tries to heal up that tissue, I produce copious amounts of mucous. 
And of course, the weekend also brings with it the next round of side-effects, which in this case is more mouth and throat pain and the mucous.  I have painkiller for the throat pain, which is turning out to be very necessary, and regular Robitussin cough syrup helps thin the secretions and make them easier to manage.  

I also am renting a suction machine to clean out my mouth.  This is another one of those, "who wants to read about THAT in a blog", moments, and then someone says, "surely you can make THAT funny," which I'm not sure I can or want to.

Of course, anyone who's been around small children knows that life can be pretty gross at times.  In fact, depending on the kind of people you know, life can be pretty gross.  And that is just normal grossness, sometimes you can know some pretty strange teenagers.      

The worst thing about a suction machine is that is makes a lot of noise, especially at night when Jim is trying to sleep.  Last night I was awake every couple of hours, but I'm hoping with the Robitussin, tonight won't be so bad.  Jim said he always went right back to sleep, but I still feel for him.  

We've managed to sleep in the same bed all this time.  I'm not sleeping lying down of course, because of drainage, but I have quite the contraption of pillows to keep me upright and in my own bed.  I'm much more comfortable there.  

So, dear ones.  No post of sparkling wit is coming your way, today.  It is par for the course, really, as the radiation and chemo take its toll on my body and mind, but this is what is happening here at the moment anyway, and we are tackling each problem as it comes.


John and Sandy Linder said...

You are such a trooper! Hang in there girl we are root'n for you!

Anonymous said...

What comes to mind after reading your post is..."You can do it Shelley; we are all cheering for you!" I can't imagine the emotion that goes through you during a time like this. I think you've handled it amazingly well, in fact, better than I've seen anyone handle it before. Just know you have so much support. Love you!! Holly

Renee said...

Of course we don't expect sparkling wit and humor...a blog post of any sort is a feat of great accomplishment when you are feeling so sick. I DO like knowing what you are coping with because I think of you so much. And who knows how long it will be till any of us could be dealing with the same sort of things? So being in the "know" is always a good thing. Gross or not! I hope your night last night was blissfully uninterrupted! {{{Hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

Dear Shelley,
Even though I've only commented once before, I do read your blog quite often. I really feel for you and know that what you're going through is quite a thing, but I, along with others, really appreciate your openness, in sharing your experiences with us. I love your sense of humor! I also love the spirit with which you are handling this. After reading this entry, and all your "side-effects" of the treatments, it did hit me a little harder, though, and it makes me hope that things will go the best they can and that all this will be behind you as soon as possible!
Barb from MN

Dorothy said...

Good Morning! I am happy for every day that you get one more treatment under your belt, so that is what I'm hoping will happen today again. And we are all hoping oh so much that Dr L won't see any need to add more radiation! The days march by, one by one, and glad that you have enough strength from time to time to write a little something....even if it's the bad and the ugly. It gives us pause. See you Saturday!

Luanne said...

Thanks for writing..even the ugly and the gross. You have to live it we can at least know it! Thanks for being brave, and strong. I admire you so much. Hugs your way today. Luanne

Oleva said...

Seems at this point you are so brave and spirit. So glad for what is already past tense.
Every time you have to do the "spew out gross thing" think of the name of a friend and say to yourself "they are thinking about me" cause we all are!!!!!! :-) (mind diversion)
Carl and Oleva

Listy said...

Thinking of you and whether your sparking w/ wit or the rawness of reality.... It's just plum good to see new posts and helps us know where and how you are on your journey. Thanks.

Amy said...

Hi Shelley, I have read your blog and enjoyed it, and just want to let you know you are being remembered up here in Montana. I am so sorry you are having to go through the chemo/radiation ordeal. I have 3 sisters that have been down that road, so I can relate to some of your experience. We have learned that attitude makes a lot of difference, and yours is great! Thinking of you and following along with positive thoughts! love, Amy (P.S. here is a quote from one of my sisters: "I hope you can keep your chin up and your food down" !)

Gramma's Corner said...

Jane wrote "‎...thinking about you tonight....glad you have all the pillows to prop you up!!! Hope you can get some rest and that tomorrow will be better!!!"

The J's said...

I was gone again, and didn't see this until today. I have to say that along with the good, bad & ugly I thought you STILL managed to come across with some wit!! Yes, babies, kids & teenagers all can be pretty gross at times...and actually so can adults not even going thru chemo & rad.!! Remember "The people of Walmart?" lol! Anyway, your readers are here because they want to read/hear, to know how the journey goes. Hoping I can stop in again soon, and would be nice to see D too!

gkey said...

"into each life, some rain must fall...some days must be dark and dreary". I am not sure exactly how that poem goes, but thought of it tonight. Thinking so much about you and hoping this week The picture gets brighter!

Elaine T. said...

So sorry for all you're having to go thru. No matter how many more days they tack onto the "end", just remember: "This, too, shall pass." Hang in there. Sorry for the setback you've had this past wkend, hopefully you'll soon be back on track.

Anita said...

I've not been reading blogs again... and see I've missed quite a bit again. I, too, am glad you had those pillows! Lots of love!