The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Time to take the bull by the horns and write a post whether I feel like it or not.  Yesterday, it felt really good to say, "I'm half done with chemo," having two rounds behind me, and two left to go.  Today, it doesn't feel so good since we were asking the radiology oncologist, what the next two weeks of radiation would look like, and he said, "I reserve the right to add more more radiation if it is needed."  So, it doesn't feel equally good to say, "I'm 2/3 done with radiation," because I don't know if I am.  

In fact, I'm rather in a turmoil of emotions altogether, and don't really know what I feel, everything seems up in the air at the moment. 

One thing I know I feel, is that I would really, really like to be done with the radiation, and the side effects of that are hardly started yet.  I don't have any of the skin burning and peeling which is going to have to happen before this is all done.  

It is also really hard to know what sort of things to post because side-effects aren't really pretty.  I mentioned before that the radiation is damaging internal mouth tissue and then as the body tries to heal up that tissue, I produce copious amounts of mucous. 

And of course, the weekend also brings with it the next round of side-effects, which in this case is more mouth and throat pain and the mucous.  I have painkiller for the throat pain, which is turning out to be very necessary, and regular Robitussin cough syrup helps thin the secretions and make them easier to manage.  

I also am renting a suction machine to clean out my mouth.  This is another one of those, "who wants to read about THAT in a blog", moments, and then someone says, "surely you can make THAT funny," which I'm not sure I can or want to.

Of course, anyone who's been around small children knows that life can be pretty gross at times.  In fact, depending on the kind of people you know, life can be pretty gross.  And that is just normal grossness, sometimes you can know some pretty strange teenagers.      

The worst thing about a suction machine is that is makes a lot of noise, especially at night when Jim is trying to sleep.  Last night I was awake every couple of hours, but I'm hoping with the Robitussin, tonight won't be so bad.  Jim said he always went right back to sleep, but I still feel for him.  

We've managed to sleep in the same bed all this time.  I'm not sleeping lying down of course, because of drainage, but I have quite the contraption of pillows to keep me upright and in my own bed.  I'm much more comfortable there.  

So, dear ones.  No post of sparkling wit is coming your way, today.  It is par for the course, really, as the radiation and chemo take its toll on my body and mind, but this is what is happening here at the moment anyway, and we are tackling each problem as it comes.