Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I had a really bad day on Monday.  

You would think I would have recovery from surgery figured out.  Just lay around for a week in my pajamas.  The next week lay around just half the day in pajamas and get some things done.  And the third week I'm nearly back to normal.  
That part is actually happening more quickly since the surgery wasn't as extensive.

But, still Monday was a bad day.  
It started with Sunday morning.  I couldn't hear well enough to understand as we were all gathered together.

I didn't write in the last post that the left ear drum which had been repaired in May and a tube placed in it, had to have the tube removed because it had grown over and was irritating surrounding tissue because there is no blood flow there.  When the tube was removed the hole it left was too big to put another tube in.  So, there is a hole in the left, previously repaired, ear drum.
That in itself limits hearing in that ear.

I couldn't hear unless the speaker was standing about 6 inches away from my left ear, the right one being stuffed with surgical packing.
I began to worry.  There is no tube in the right ear. There was supposed to be a tube in there because the Eustachian tubes don't work.  What will happen next?
Should we even have bothered with the repairs?  
This right here was enough to get me down. I was hurting, I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't feeling good about myself or the surgery or the future.
And then my daughter came to see me.  
We sat on opposite ends of the couch to visit.
 I couldn't hear her.  
After she left I wallowed around in self-pity for the rest of the day.
I wanted to cry and yell and kick and stomp and throw things.
Well, maybe not the last three, but I sure did feel like yelling,
"I want my ears back!"
So, I did what is the best thing to do in this case, reach out to someone who was struggling.
I had hoped for better news.  
He's struggling with chemo and resulting digestive disorders.
This is all compounded because daily dialysis has to be figured in.  
He doesn't have any real assurance that this is the final solution.
There may be more treatment in the future.
 Jim put me to bed early that night.

Tuesday I got myself together and went to knitting group. Half of the women there have had cancer, or some other medical issue that has profoundly affected their life.
I went because they would understand what I was going through that day.  They know that there are hard things to deal with every single day that I never had to before.  
They know about depression and fear and things that don't go like you expect.
There is another woman there who has to go in to the doctor again to check out some spots.
I told her my story that day and my feeling that I'm not getting anywhere. 
She looked at me.
She doesn't know what to expect, either.
 She said, 
"I'm going to keep on fighting."

When I got home that day.
I found this.

I'm going to keep on fighting.    


The Chairman's Wife said...

That note was so touching. Hope you have better tomorrow's.

Renee said...

Well this post leaves me teary eyed and so thankful for you and your inspiration as your sweet daughter said. And thankful that you document your journey in your blog and share it with us, and thirdly, I'm thankful that you are going to continue fighting!

Anita said...

Yeah, I'm teary eyed, too. Sending hugs. Xoxo

Darcie said...

This post had me in tears too! We are surrounded by so much love aren't we!! I love what you said about your husband putting you to bed. How come when we aren't feeling well we just need to feel like a kid again, and have someone tuck us in? Then the note from your lovely daughter...what a beautiful thing. Keep fighting my friend, and know it's okay to feel every single emotions...every last one of them!!