Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Scared to Death

I would really like to think of a cute title for my blog but what comes to mind, is "I'm scared to death" about what happens next.
Today I saw Dr. Bascom for the plan for the chemo. When treatment starts and even if I don't know the exact day yet, that day is coming progressively closer.  
In fact, this post is going to be very hard for me, because I'm not liking the face of the reality I'm looking at.  So, when treatment starts I will have a long day with blood work at the doctor's office, over to the Cancer Center for IV chemo, with the antihistamines, the anti-nausea, the extra fluid, the cisplatin and VP-16 and then more fluid.  Then there will be the radiation after that.  It will be an all day thing.  
The next two days will be IV with the VP-16 plus radiation.  The radiation will continue 5 days a week, for 6 weeks at least, the chemo continues once every three weeks for 4 cycles.  (That continues after the radiation stops.)
We listened again to the side effects, hair loss, soreness in the radiation sites, magnesium and potassium depletion, lowered blood counts, and there is that extra fluid requirement to make sure the chemo is out of my system to protect my kidneys. 
It sounds scary, really scary. I can't remember everything just now that we were told, but the impression I came away with, is that I'm not ready for this, I don't want to do this, I'm scared to death about what is going to happen to my body with all this stuff they are putting in it.  

So, enough of that. 
I'm starting on the program of spending the rest of my time in doctor's offices.  Thursday, the 5th, I go to Omaha to the dental oncologist, Friday, I have a bone scan.  They are talking of scheduling a PET scan.  Monday I go in at 6am to have a port put in. (That's outpatient surgery.)
And what's next?  Tune in for the next installment of....
"Life in the Cancer Zone"


11 comments:

Brenda said...

If I could just hold your hand . . . if I could just give you a hug . . .

Bonita Sue said...

I can't comfort you and tell you it will be not so hard, or not as bad as you think, or it will soon be over. But, someday it WILL be over. I remember the feeling that I was betraying the body that had served me so faithfully all these years by allowing it to be poisoned within an inch of its life. Thankfully that same body stepped up to the plate one more time and came through, and now I'm happy to have reentered the realm of normal life. Love you, sis in law.

The Chairman's Wife said...

I wish you didn't have to go through this awful journey, but just always remember many hands are holding up yours. As Bonita said, some day this can be but a memory. Thinking of you lots.

Wanda, Melania & Mishayla said...

Thought of you this evening as we were singing, "If perchance I may be fearing, Sweet will sound some blest refrain; Sing to me the Songs of Zion, Let me hear them once again." Wishing you comfort and courage in the days ahead.

MEJ said...

Oh--I am wishing you didn't have to face this either! Plain & simple, yes it sounds scarey!
But, as you well know we don't always get our "druthers" and I'm pretty sure that you will come thru this with the same endurance you've shown in other situations. Hang in there, we'll be right here for you!

Lanae said...

I too am sorry you have to endure this. I think the feeling of being scared, not being ready or wanting to do this, is only normal/natural in a situation like this. It sure sounds scary to me ... I can hardly fathom facing something like that. Going out and running really hard, running my races, is like a torture to me/my body, but one I willingly put myself through (because I'm weird like that. However, it's only a light affliction and soon over, especially compared to what you/your body are going to go through - but like others, I believe you DO have the endurance/strength/courage to make it through, day by day,moment by moment, prayer by prayer, and that it WILL be over and perhaps even seem like a light affliction in the light of eternity someday.
I think of you often .....

Darcie said...

What encouraging comments you have been left already! What a beautiful family we are a part of. I remember once what a lady that had cancer had shared...that as a human-being she was scared to death, but as a child of God she was at peace. God gave us our emotions, and it's okay to feel those emotions, just know we are here for you, and God is already in tomorrow, to help ease the fear of what may come.

((hugs)))

Janelle said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this. I worked in chemotherapy at Mayo in Rochester before I had kids (6 yrs ago now), if there is anything I can do to help you along this journey let me know. Just take it one day at a time, you'll get through it! :)

Janelle
(Sheryl Stouffer's daughter)

Anonymous said...

Shelley, I wish you didn't have to go through this either. I can only imagine the fear of the unknown that you must be feeling. I also know that you are a very strong woman. You have a faith that I've always admired. Your family, friends, faith, prayer, love.....all of this will help you through this ordeal. I think you will go through all of the stages of grief for the loss you are experiencing; life the way it was. Just know that so many of us are giving you hugs and sending our love your way. Holly

gkey said...

Dear in the C-Zone,

Yes, a scarey place to be. I am just feeling so thankful you do not have to be there alone....so many surrounding you with love and care and concern.

As you embark on this next phase of the journey, may you keep encouraged in our Fathers' love and be very aware that He holds you in His hands through every minute of every day and night. One day down the road a ways...it will all be a memory. Curves in the road, ones you won't ever forget, but glad for what you gained of eternal value in them.

love,
sending hugs today
in
NE

Anita said...

I'm slow to get caught up on blog reading again after our busy summer days but you've been on my mind all along. You're well into it now and I sure do feel for you. I'm sure the whole thing is so unreal. Wouldn't it be nice to just fast-forward to a year or 2 from now? All the best! xo